Loss and Gain

Trying to decide how to word this has been a bit difficult. We had another miscarriage last October. It was a devastating time for us and too difficult to fully express. We had thought that we were past all of the misery of miscarriages and I was extremely hopeful and not worrying at all. A few weeks after we found out that we were expecting (the baby would have been due a few weeks before Jolee's birthday) I started to feel that something wasn't right. I went in to the midwives a few times and had an ultrasound done. Everything looked fine and the ultrasound showed a very healthy baby with a great heart beat. Two weeks later, I was sure that something was drastically wrong, I went in and had another ultrasound only to find that the baby had died. No words express how many ways my heart broke. Writing about it now is still difficult. After the miscarriage, I was talking with my midwife and she stated that as soon as I was to get pregnant again, that they would test my progesterone levels to see if it is low which would cause miscarriage in otherwise healthy pregnancy. At first I was hopeful that this would solve our problem and stop me from miscarrying, with time though, I became angry and frustrated that they didn't check my progesterone levels when I had first said that I thought something was wrong. If it was just a low progesterone level that caused my unborn baby to die, why wouldn't they have checked it. Low progesterone is so easy to fix, you just take progesterone twice a day for the first 12 weeks. So there is the background to this story.

I went into to check a post miscarriage check up about 2 months later. I still hadn't had a period yet, but it wasn't thought much of because of my body still healing from the miscarriage. They did follow up blood work and such. The next day I get a phone call from the midwives saying that my HCG level is high. I was in shock.  Talk about a surprise, hello you are pregnant. So I immediately went in a had lab work done. Low and behold my progesterone levels were less than half of low normal, meaning that without supplementation of progesterone I would again miscarry. After a bit of drama I was put on progesterone and I ending up changing my OB. I am now off of progesterone and 20 and a half weeks along. We are due the middle of August. The halfway ultrasound looked great. Once again we are not finding out the sex of the baby.  The baby likes to do flips, at least that is what it did during the ultrasound. I am still having a little bit of a difficult time emotionally because of the last miscarriage and being scared to death of miscarrying again. I have actually been in a bit of denial. I have tried not to let the idea of pregnancy full register because I don't want to hurt as much as I did if something bad were to happen. I am finally starting to open up a little more and not be as scared. Fingers crossed everything stays going well.